Submission
My friend Martini hurt my feelings very badly last night, but it made me take a look at myself. We were having our quarterly heartfelt conversation about what I like in a guy and how I'm never gonna meet the perfect one for me. Then he said, "I can see a guy submit to dating you." Confused, I asked hime to elaborate, to which he continued to stick his foot in his mouth saying, "He'll pass you on the street and you'll think, 'I'm awesome, why did he pass me' and turn around, grab him, tell the guy that and he'll have no choice." WOW. Oh, and there's more. After I told him I wasn't that desperate and psychotic, that I wasn't a cavewoman that would club a man over the head to be my boyfriend, Martini placed a straw that broke my back. He THEN said that I would be vengeful to the next guy I met because I felt like my ex boyfriend G'd me into dating him. Say it with me, again, WOW.
So naturally, I flipped out. Martini used to get so upset with me for not wildin' out on him when he did something dumb or if I didn't agree with him. I told him I couldn't because he was never rude or disrespectful to me, that he was always nice. Well that changed after last night. I got angry and told him I was gonna gather my thoughts before I wilded out on him and he continued to dig himself into a hole saying, "Finally." And again, I flipped out. I told him not to act like the reason he said what he did was to draw me out cuz that was bullshit, plain and simple and that that would make me wild out on him on a whole different level for a whole different reason. So during the course of my ranting and raving, the boy started singing another tune, backing down, claiming it was a joke and he didn't know why I was so upset. BULLSHIT. Now, I talk to Martini on a very regular basis and I know when the guy's joking and when he's serious. He gives disclaimers like "being Katrina, you..." or "it'd be pretty funny if..." or "watch, you'll end up..." Those sentences remove the sting from whatever retardo comment he's about to say and usually, it IS pretty funny and we BOTH laugh. Not last night.
Martini wasn't joking, it's how he really felt, how he saw me. I got his perception of me loud and clear last night. Which hurt, but I had to think about what I was allowing him to see. If he really and truly thinks I'm this bitchy bitch beast, then he doesn't know me like I thought he did. Which means the constant conversations we have for hours on end are basically pointless. Yeah, I've got a forked tongue, that's cuz I hate bullshit, but I also care and love for my family and friends. I'm a punk when it comes to them. I'd do anything for them and they all know that (well, some DON'T, apparently). But all in all, if that's how my friend Martini feels, I can't account for that. I'm sorry he feels that way and I still love him dearly, but as far as opening up to him, that's coming to a serious end. Anyway, moving on...
Martini got me so worked up, the only person I could think to call up was my friend Jeff. Now, Jeff is also an ex-boyfriend, but I like the title of friend more. So I called Jeff and asked him if he thought I seemed like the type to do what Martini said he could see me doing. Jeff said no. Then, for some reason, we got into the natural conversation we always have, how he's over trying to be with people, blah blah blah. See, Jeff likes to say things for shock value. How black women are outdated, it's not cool to have a black chick on your arm, snowbunnies are the way to go, blah blah blah. And, honestly, it's my fault. I think his dealing with me has soured him to a point.
Guess I need to explain me and Jeff. We met in high school and became instant friends. So instant, I barely remember a time where we WEREN'T hanging out. He was a peripheral friend who hung out with my best friend Ricardo and his family. Now when I first met Jeff, my mission was to make him feel SOMETHING. He was like a robot and because he was actually fly, I couldn't wrap my head around why he acted the way he did. I knew he felt that emotion was weakness, so I tried to make him angry cuz I knew he'd never love me. At least then he was feeling. We were that couple that wasn't a couple but was a couple. Then, through what Jeff says is my fault, we stopped talking after prom. For years. Then, in early 2003, we started talking again. I called him and apologized for my part in what made us stop talking back in '99. He apologized as well and we hung up the phone. About 2 minutes after the phone call, I called him back and told him I didn't like how the call ended. I mean, we hadn't talked in almost four years, I figured we had more to talk about than that, there was a lot of catching up to do. So began Round 2 of the Jeff and Katrina Show. We began talking on the internet, where Jeff is a whole different person. Smooth, sexy When we first talked, I liked Jeff. I mean, I really, really, liked him. So I went out to his place in LI for a little, um, fine tuning. Yeah. Nothing happened. And I couldn't believe it, so I turned to my friends for insight, which pissed Jeff off and he yelled at me. We worked through that and decided to focus on our friendship. Our friendship was great, we talked every night about this and that, I was helping Jeff with female problems and we were good. This was while I was in Albany.
Then, my mom passed away and I had to move home. In that, I saw Jeff a lot more often than usual and our friendship continued to grow. Then, around February, Jeff told me he liked me and "my positives outweigh the negatives" and he wanted me to be his girlfriend. I was caught off guard but very flattered, so I agreed. We dated for about 3 weeks and that fallout was also my fault. In an offhand comment, I told Jeff he wasn't important enough to me for me to try to piss him off daily. I hurt his feelings. And then I dumped him. I know, I know, I'm a bitch. And apparently, Jeff thought so, too. He sent me an email wiping me from his life and I did all I could to grant his wish. He called me selfish and said he wished we never started speaking again and wanted us to stop speaking again. So basically, he hated me. And with good cause, I wasn't a very good girlfriend, the dedication wasn't there. In retaliation to his email, I stopped speaking to him. I figured if that was what he wanted, then that was what he was gonna get. Yeah, all my friends were telling me to speak to him, but, as far as I was concerned, it was "a wrap."
Then, in late April, as I was preparing to move to Atlanta, I decided Jeff and I needed to talk. Even though our relationship was beyond salvation, at least we could keep our friendship. We'd come too far and too close to let a failed relationship stand in the way of us hanging out. So, we spent a lot of time together in the last couple of weeks I was in town. It was nice. And, on my last night in town, I hung out with Martini, only to come home and see roses and a card on my porch, left by none other than Jeff. He's so sweet. AWWW...
Snap back to the present. Jeff and I are like Ross and Rachel, Ryan and Marisa, Scully and Mulder. That couple you know should be together, have taken a stab at it and decide to be friends. My point here is that I love Jeff, I do. And I think that part of me even wants to be with him, but the other part of me is scared of the fact that I think I'll love him more than he loves me and that's hurt like a sumbitch, so I stay away.
So why, I wonder. Why when I talk to him, does my heart beat faster? Why do I get all nervous and giggly when we're on the phone? Why do I smile when I know he's just saying things that he knows will piss me off? Why are my daydreams and fantasies comsumed by his image? Why when I think of my future, I see us with two kids and a hto kitchen? Why am I SO scared to tell him how I feel when I'm supposed to be an open book? Why do I have to pep myself up before I can give him a call? Why, though we don't speak that often, do we have long conversations that I feel can go on forever? Why, when I think of something he's done or something he's said, do I get a private smile on my face that brightens up my day? Why does the thought of being with him terrify and excite me all at the same time? Why is it so easy for me to post it here on this blog than to tell the man himself? Why, why, why?
Well, Martini made SOME sense last night, I'll give him that, but a guy's not gonna submit to me, I'm gonna submit to a guy. And right now, the only guy NEAR that point is Jeff. And that scares me, but also brings comfort. So, I submit. FUCK...
So naturally, I flipped out. Martini used to get so upset with me for not wildin' out on him when he did something dumb or if I didn't agree with him. I told him I couldn't because he was never rude or disrespectful to me, that he was always nice. Well that changed after last night. I got angry and told him I was gonna gather my thoughts before I wilded out on him and he continued to dig himself into a hole saying, "Finally." And again, I flipped out. I told him not to act like the reason he said what he did was to draw me out cuz that was bullshit, plain and simple and that that would make me wild out on him on a whole different level for a whole different reason. So during the course of my ranting and raving, the boy started singing another tune, backing down, claiming it was a joke and he didn't know why I was so upset. BULLSHIT. Now, I talk to Martini on a very regular basis and I know when the guy's joking and when he's serious. He gives disclaimers like "being Katrina, you..." or "it'd be pretty funny if..." or "watch, you'll end up..." Those sentences remove the sting from whatever retardo comment he's about to say and usually, it IS pretty funny and we BOTH laugh. Not last night.
Martini wasn't joking, it's how he really felt, how he saw me. I got his perception of me loud and clear last night. Which hurt, but I had to think about what I was allowing him to see. If he really and truly thinks I'm this bitchy bitch beast, then he doesn't know me like I thought he did. Which means the constant conversations we have for hours on end are basically pointless. Yeah, I've got a forked tongue, that's cuz I hate bullshit, but I also care and love for my family and friends. I'm a punk when it comes to them. I'd do anything for them and they all know that (well, some DON'T, apparently). But all in all, if that's how my friend Martini feels, I can't account for that. I'm sorry he feels that way and I still love him dearly, but as far as opening up to him, that's coming to a serious end. Anyway, moving on...
Martini got me so worked up, the only person I could think to call up was my friend Jeff. Now, Jeff is also an ex-boyfriend, but I like the title of friend more. So I called Jeff and asked him if he thought I seemed like the type to do what Martini said he could see me doing. Jeff said no. Then, for some reason, we got into the natural conversation we always have, how he's over trying to be with people, blah blah blah. See, Jeff likes to say things for shock value. How black women are outdated, it's not cool to have a black chick on your arm, snowbunnies are the way to go, blah blah blah. And, honestly, it's my fault. I think his dealing with me has soured him to a point.
Guess I need to explain me and Jeff. We met in high school and became instant friends. So instant, I barely remember a time where we WEREN'T hanging out. He was a peripheral friend who hung out with my best friend Ricardo and his family. Now when I first met Jeff, my mission was to make him feel SOMETHING. He was like a robot and because he was actually fly, I couldn't wrap my head around why he acted the way he did. I knew he felt that emotion was weakness, so I tried to make him angry cuz I knew he'd never love me. At least then he was feeling. We were that couple that wasn't a couple but was a couple. Then, through what Jeff says is my fault, we stopped talking after prom. For years. Then, in early 2003, we started talking again. I called him and apologized for my part in what made us stop talking back in '99. He apologized as well and we hung up the phone. About 2 minutes after the phone call, I called him back and told him I didn't like how the call ended. I mean, we hadn't talked in almost four years, I figured we had more to talk about than that, there was a lot of catching up to do. So began Round 2 of the Jeff and Katrina Show. We began talking on the internet, where Jeff is a whole different person. Smooth, sexy When we first talked, I liked Jeff. I mean, I really, really, liked him. So I went out to his place in LI for a little, um, fine tuning. Yeah. Nothing happened. And I couldn't believe it, so I turned to my friends for insight, which pissed Jeff off and he yelled at me. We worked through that and decided to focus on our friendship. Our friendship was great, we talked every night about this and that, I was helping Jeff with female problems and we were good. This was while I was in Albany.
Then, my mom passed away and I had to move home. In that, I saw Jeff a lot more often than usual and our friendship continued to grow. Then, around February, Jeff told me he liked me and "my positives outweigh the negatives" and he wanted me to be his girlfriend. I was caught off guard but very flattered, so I agreed. We dated for about 3 weeks and that fallout was also my fault. In an offhand comment, I told Jeff he wasn't important enough to me for me to try to piss him off daily. I hurt his feelings. And then I dumped him. I know, I know, I'm a bitch. And apparently, Jeff thought so, too. He sent me an email wiping me from his life and I did all I could to grant his wish. He called me selfish and said he wished we never started speaking again and wanted us to stop speaking again. So basically, he hated me. And with good cause, I wasn't a very good girlfriend, the dedication wasn't there. In retaliation to his email, I stopped speaking to him. I figured if that was what he wanted, then that was what he was gonna get. Yeah, all my friends were telling me to speak to him, but, as far as I was concerned, it was "a wrap."
Then, in late April, as I was preparing to move to Atlanta, I decided Jeff and I needed to talk. Even though our relationship was beyond salvation, at least we could keep our friendship. We'd come too far and too close to let a failed relationship stand in the way of us hanging out. So, we spent a lot of time together in the last couple of weeks I was in town. It was nice. And, on my last night in town, I hung out with Martini, only to come home and see roses and a card on my porch, left by none other than Jeff. He's so sweet. AWWW...
Snap back to the present. Jeff and I are like Ross and Rachel, Ryan and Marisa, Scully and Mulder. That couple you know should be together, have taken a stab at it and decide to be friends. My point here is that I love Jeff, I do. And I think that part of me even wants to be with him, but the other part of me is scared of the fact that I think I'll love him more than he loves me and that's hurt like a sumbitch, so I stay away.
So why, I wonder. Why when I talk to him, does my heart beat faster? Why do I get all nervous and giggly when we're on the phone? Why do I smile when I know he's just saying things that he knows will piss me off? Why are my daydreams and fantasies comsumed by his image? Why when I think of my future, I see us with two kids and a hto kitchen? Why am I SO scared to tell him how I feel when I'm supposed to be an open book? Why do I have to pep myself up before I can give him a call? Why, though we don't speak that often, do we have long conversations that I feel can go on forever? Why, when I think of something he's done or something he's said, do I get a private smile on my face that brightens up my day? Why does the thought of being with him terrify and excite me all at the same time? Why is it so easy for me to post it here on this blog than to tell the man himself? Why, why, why?
Well, Martini made SOME sense last night, I'll give him that, but a guy's not gonna submit to me, I'm gonna submit to a guy. And right now, the only guy NEAR that point is Jeff. And that scares me, but also brings comfort. So, I submit. FUCK...
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