My Bleeding Heart
For the first time in a long time, I am crushless. That doesn't mean I don't want to date anyone, it just means that my sex drive is shot. I know that reads weird, but it makes TOTAL sense when you think about it.
Over the past few months, I've had crushes, asked guys out on dates and flirted with a NUMBER of young men. All to no avail. Which brings me to my quarterly period of introspection.
The last guy I asked out told me that I was great and down to Earth (read: fat) and he knew that things could change, but he saw us as nothing more than friends (read: never gonna happen or he'd sleep with me and deny it later). The guy before that told the entire city of Atlanta that I was creepy. He said it was for radio and I believe him, but I'm too phenomenal to settle for that. So we're friends but the crush ended. I think before that was Scooter Braun and we know how that turned out.
Anyway, there's no one on my radar right now. Yeah, I'm "chatting up" a few fellas, but none of them will pan out, I already see it. One's old and has a kid, which I'm not ready for. The other's still stuck on his ex, under the guise of being her friend. i spend more time counseling him than moving towards building something. The third and I dance around the subject and are building a GREAT friendship we probably won't taint with sex and/or love. The fourth is just a joke. All my perfect men are far away and it's times like these I wish I'd never left NY (scratch that, my apartment is AWESOME and I'll NEVER move!!).
But as I sit at home on a Saturday night watching Team America: World Police, listening to "The Heart" station on XM, Myspacing, texting and blogging, I've come to realize that I am a loser. I'm waiting on a phone call I know won't come, sitting on my bed (which is filthy, FYI) and just being miserable.
My point here is, I need a relationship. Not want, need. I need to know I can extend outside of myself and do for the man in my life. I need to be excited when I see him and smile when his number pops up on my phone and his song plays. I need to not be sitting home on a Saturday night being unhappy that I'm NOT in a relationship. I need the butterflies and smiles as I think of something he's said or done, a date we went on or just his face flashes through my mind. I need that human connection, to relate to the sappy ass love songs that come on the radio. I need to roll over Sunday morning and know he's there (cuz he's allowed to stay) and get up to make us breakfast. I need to know I can still FEEL.
Over the past few months, I've had crushes, asked guys out on dates and flirted with a NUMBER of young men. All to no avail. Which brings me to my quarterly period of introspection.
The last guy I asked out told me that I was great and down to Earth (read: fat) and he knew that things could change, but he saw us as nothing more than friends (read: never gonna happen or he'd sleep with me and deny it later). The guy before that told the entire city of Atlanta that I was creepy. He said it was for radio and I believe him, but I'm too phenomenal to settle for that. So we're friends but the crush ended. I think before that was Scooter Braun and we know how that turned out.
Anyway, there's no one on my radar right now. Yeah, I'm "chatting up" a few fellas, but none of them will pan out, I already see it. One's old and has a kid, which I'm not ready for. The other's still stuck on his ex, under the guise of being her friend. i spend more time counseling him than moving towards building something. The third and I dance around the subject and are building a GREAT friendship we probably won't taint with sex and/or love. The fourth is just a joke. All my perfect men are far away and it's times like these I wish I'd never left NY (scratch that, my apartment is AWESOME and I'll NEVER move!!).
But as I sit at home on a Saturday night watching Team America: World Police, listening to "The Heart" station on XM, Myspacing, texting and blogging, I've come to realize that I am a loser. I'm waiting on a phone call I know won't come, sitting on my bed (which is filthy, FYI) and just being miserable.
My point here is, I need a relationship. Not want, need. I need to know I can extend outside of myself and do for the man in my life. I need to be excited when I see him and smile when his number pops up on my phone and his song plays. I need to not be sitting home on a Saturday night being unhappy that I'm NOT in a relationship. I need the butterflies and smiles as I think of something he's said or done, a date we went on or just his face flashes through my mind. I need that human connection, to relate to the sappy ass love songs that come on the radio. I need to roll over Sunday morning and know he's there (cuz he's allowed to stay) and get up to make us breakfast. I need to know I can still FEEL.
All that wreaks of desperation, but it's just the honest musings of a single girl in 2006. No rants on how bad men are and how awesome I am, just an honest look into what's going on in my brain right now. I'm gonna be 26 in a few days and the time for playing has come to an end. As I sing "Run to You" through my headphones, I know it's a sign. And thanks, but offers of love and amazing sex from you, my faithful readers, will not be accepted. I'm looking for the real thing, and that means a distance of AT MOST 20-25 miles. I love you, and thanks again, but I need proximity for this to work. No worries, I'm gonna find him, and when I do, I'm gonna surrender my bleeding heart.
Comments