Everyone Is More Important Than Me -- And It's All Right
You know, I've been looking for an outlet to deal with all these emotions when I remembered my blog. Actually, I never forgot about it, I just tried coping on my own. Then I had the epiphany that led me to write again: If I died, no one would care.
This isn't some "woe is me" kind of blog, it's a matter-of-fact realization that I am about to back up with facts. Maybe stating no one would care seems a little extreme, but it is what it is. Yes, my father would be sad and of COURSE my brother would be devastated. So maybe I retract and state that none of my friends would care.
I'm the person that does everything for everyone, so admittedly my absence might be felt. It's just that they wouldn't MISS me. It would be something like "this is normally something JustTrina handles. Oh well, I'll just do it myself." The world would continue to spin, the sun continue to rise.
The problem is that I handle everything for everyone and no one does for me. No one asks if I'm all right or if I need anything. Because of that, I've become expendable. It doesn't upset me by any stretch of the imagination, it's just something that occurred to me. I'll never be given a hug just because, I'll never be the little spoon, I'll never be given flowers (I hate flowers), I'll never be someone's great love.
None of this has affected me to change my behavior, I will continue doing what I've been doing. I'll keep on being the event planner, the outing wrangler, the CEO of life with no problems. I'll take care of my dad's computer problems, my brother's finance issues, my BFF after surgery, my actual job, plan Gobble Gobble Day, put the pajama party back on the calendar; it's what I do. Just like any serious career woman, though, there will be no love, no children, no room for anyone else. Not due to my own choices, but due to everyone's perception (or lack thereof).
This is why everyone is more important than me -- and that's all right.
This isn't some "woe is me" kind of blog, it's a matter-of-fact realization that I am about to back up with facts. Maybe stating no one would care seems a little extreme, but it is what it is. Yes, my father would be sad and of COURSE my brother would be devastated. So maybe I retract and state that none of my friends would care.
I'm the person that does everything for everyone, so admittedly my absence might be felt. It's just that they wouldn't MISS me. It would be something like "this is normally something JustTrina handles. Oh well, I'll just do it myself." The world would continue to spin, the sun continue to rise.
The problem is that I handle everything for everyone and no one does for me. No one asks if I'm all right or if I need anything. Because of that, I've become expendable. It doesn't upset me by any stretch of the imagination, it's just something that occurred to me. I'll never be given a hug just because, I'll never be the little spoon, I'll never be given flowers (I hate flowers), I'll never be someone's great love.
None of this has affected me to change my behavior, I will continue doing what I've been doing. I'll keep on being the event planner, the outing wrangler, the CEO of life with no problems. I'll take care of my dad's computer problems, my brother's finance issues, my BFF after surgery, my actual job, plan Gobble Gobble Day, put the pajama party back on the calendar; it's what I do. Just like any serious career woman, though, there will be no love, no children, no room for anyone else. Not due to my own choices, but due to everyone's perception (or lack thereof).
This is why everyone is more important than me -- and that's all right.
Comments