What's Normal, Anyway?

Today seems like "one of those posts," so apologies in advance. I've been struggling with walking pneumonia the past 2 two weeks, with a regular cold two weeks before that. I say that to say I have a pretty amazing support system in my brother and BFF, who have been by my side making sure I don't do too much, making sickness worse. None of that is the point for today, resting just makes me think, so THANK YOU to them and on to the post!!

Today, we discuss the struggle of dating that is my life and the general incapability of friendships with people of the opposite sex to develop for whatever reason. 

Sometimes, I feel perpetually single and the wont of companionship pokes at my brain until I fill it with chocolate or something. My friends see and hear me sing my heart out to love songs, but I am a legit savage in these streets.

Do not be mistaken: I like men. I was raised with boy cousins, and the insight I gained has been both life ruining and saving. I am so grateful for them. 

So yes, I loves me some men. I like short men, tall men, dark hair with dark eyes, dark hair with light eyes, gingers, black men from Michael Ealy to Aldis Hodge, white men, Indian men (I loved a Hasan 20 years ago), purple men, and orange.  I like funny guys, smart men, guys with guitar skills, duck hunting skills, cooking skills, and just honestly decent humans. Blondes don't call to me, BUT if he has a deep voice, my mind changes QUICK. I'm a "swag-a-holic," and am FANTASTIC with calling out the potential for greatness.

Now, I'm going to present some interactions with guys over the past few years and how they were perceived by me. Not for any catharsis, I love myself, but for hilarity purposes. Let's GO!!

* Please note the names have changed, but the circumstances are 100% real. These are all from my perspective; I did not survey or even talk to these dudes for their side of the demise of our interactions. Because a) it's pretty obvious, 2) I'm grown, and d) I don't have to.

First example is Brody. We met and vibed at a party, then hung out as a small group. I thought he was pretty cool, so I reached out to him to see if I could start sending him invites to things my group does. I have an extremely tight group of friends and it takes a lot for induction, so this was his shot to see if he had the mettle to join. The response: "My tale is one of heartache, betrayal, and shenanigans, so I'm therefore unable to move forward with my life due to the crippling need to regain my prior status even though said status is the very reason for my current malaise." Something like that, I made him sound a LOT cooler and smart with my own words. 

What I did: I made a drinking game titled Heartache & Betrayal and played with my friends a week later. He did not make the cut.

Second example is Mike. Mike is a European dude invited to one of my events, where he vibed with my other friends. As a host, I don't mingle a lot because I'm DOING things to ensure everyone else is having a good time. Heavy is the crown. Anyway, Mike was talking to my friends, and they thought was very cool and down to Earth. They felt he was open in their conversation and wanted to get to know more about him, so I was tasked with asking him a question about his ex. I had no investment, so I asked. His response: "Mind your business. As a matter of fact, please remove me from any future events because your friends are thirst monsters and I don't want to talk about dating all the time. But I will attend your Lip Sync Battle as a judge since it will continue to make me look cool to my fan club for continued adoration." 

What I did: Let him judge at the battle, but never invited him to anything again. He has attempted to reach out, but when I'm done, I'm done.

Next (and most resonant) example is Nathaniel. I liked Nathaniel a LOT. We were having a decent time, I was being open and vulnerable with him because I felt there was potential there. Then tragedy struck. I did what I do, was there to care for him and his family's needs to get them through the ordeal. The more present I was, the more distant he got. I would try to draw him out and have conversations, but he was gone. Admittedly, I spiraled slightly: I felt like I was only good enough to handle matters for him, but wasn't worth the investment to cultivate a relationship. When facing my own tragedies, he was nowhere to be found, and I held that against him (rightly so). 

What I did: Was honest with him on a number of occasions about what I was feeling and was either "left on read" or "zombied" followed by "ghosting."You can read about all of those here. No matter the result, my text would always be the last one in the chain. 

After realizing the headwind in our relationship was not me and that he'd not earned any of my emotions, I've continued with my life and am cordial.

Last example is Sean. I met him at an event and thought we could see if there was something there. I told Melinda my interest and let her advocate for me. We were not given good feedback. The connection basically said he had issues and that we should wait for an outing planned by them to see if a vibe could be made. The connect is one of those that calls at 7 for a hangout at 8; I have a literal social calendar that is booked weeks in advance, and when it's not, I RELISH in doing nothing. So yeah....I knew I'd never see Sean again to see if I could even get to know and it was completely out of my control. Frustrating, right?

What I did: Found Sean on social media and sent him a very light message that said "We met here, just wanted to let you know I thought you were cute and wanted to give you my info in case you were interested in coffee or something." Nothing ventured, nothing gained, I say.

What happened: he checks my profile every few months, but has not texted, replied, or requested friendship in any way.

All these things took place within the last year. Nate was a little longer ago and continuous; I can't escape him since his family loves me. Right now, he's holding a gift from his cousin for hostage: I refuse to go to him get it and he will not deliver it...this is my life.

I give these examples to laugh at how ridiculous they are and to remind myself of the joy I deserve. I've had friends ask me how I can be so happy single, and I tell them that there is no silver bullet. Thinking of the nonsense I've survived to be where I am in this dating life, I am happy,  but it's of my own creation. I travel, am around people I choose, truly enjoy the things I have and do, all without a man. 

Do I sometimes want to be kissed and cuddled? Absolutely!! Those bursts are fleeting, so I'm able to manage without. I love myself so much, it's not that deep a struggle for me. 

My therapist once told me that my contentment with myself does not present as welcoming for others. After stating that was not my issue, I countered that I have those that I hold close and dear and would do anything for, but only after it's earned. Once it is earned, however, the bonds formed are pretty much unbreakable until death. 

I have family that gets my all, so anyone extra has some criteria to meet. The standards aren't even that high, but are extremely important. My love language is not Gifts or Words of Affirmation, meaning that doing things for others isn't even something I think about, it's something I just DO. The recipients of my fundamental qualities may think there's more to what I do than meets the eye, but I don't do those things for them, I do them because it's who I am. Some think they are taking advantage, but they have no clue how easily I walk away. Me making you a casserole doesn't mean I love you, it means I had the ingredients and you were hungry. 

So there you have it...What's normal, anyway?