Chocolate Salty Balls

Hello, friends! I know it's been quite some time since I've written, and SO much has happened, it's unbelievable (and WAY too much to write). I'll give you a quick synopsis of things right now. My brother was moving out to go to college, but not anymore. I was getting my own place but not anymore. I was going to acquire a new plaything but not anymroe. I once saw a light at the end of the tunnel but not anymore. Needless to say, I'm pretty miserable. But I'm a soldier and FULLY plan to keep it movin', I'm sure sunny days lie ahead. I'm currently looking for a better job and a condo, all within the next 2 months, so I'll be consumed with a task and my diligence will basically keep me on autopilot. There ya go, all caught up.

So I'm doing my usual celebrity gossip round up as is my daily guilty pleasure (next to reading spoilers for my favorite shows) when I stumbled across this. Looks like Chef, also known as the infamous singer of the theme song for Shaft (shut yo mouf!), Mr. Isaac Hayes, QUIT South Park. Why, you ask? He was offended by the content in a few of the episodes. Again, WHY, right? Turns out Mr. Hayes is a Scientologist, that "numbers" religion started by L. Ron Hubbard. Same as Tom Cruise and John Travolta. Yeah, that's a fun filled fact I never knew about, either. Maybe it's because unlike his louder, more prominent "brothers," Isaac has just plain shut his mouth about his religion, seeing as how it only pertains to his personal life.

Until now. South Park has FINALLY crossed a line that Hayes just canNOT allow to be crossed. Yes I know, shock and awe all around. Cuz if there's one thing Trey Parker and Matt Stone (my shameful geek crush) are known for, it's their ability to be humorous and provacative without pissing anyone off. Seriously. The show's been on for basically a decade and has mocked everything from censorship to Barbara Streisand. It's known for pissing people off, from Michael Jackson to Sean Penn to Tom Cruise. The reason for the show's longevity is because the writers basically play out what people are already saying, making it funny as hell.

As far as Chef's concerned, I hope they kill his ass off. I know he's the only black character but let's be real, how many black people are there in Colorado anyway? What pisses me off is that the VERY reason Hayes loved being a part the show was its clever irreverance for anybody or anything. He certainly had no issues laughing when Kyle was singing "The Only Jew at Christmas" or when Mel Gibson and Christianity (and its entire umbrella of religions) were mocked when The Passion of the Christ came out. He laughed his black ass all the way to the bank. And let's not forget my favorite, his serenade to the entire town about sucking on his chocolate salty balls (put 'em in ya mouth an suck 'em!).

The point here is, they're talking about a show that's had a reputation for making fun of EVERYTHING, even itself, so why the upset? Sure, I'm gonna miss the songs that Chef sings, about sex mostly, but there's really nothing more he offers to the show than the fact that the voice is indeed that of Isaac Hayes. I just hope when I hear him on Aqua Teen Hunger Force, my bitter feelings don't cause me to change the channel, cuz I'm that kinda girl.

All that being said, here's my conspiracy theory: Quitting was a self-sacrifice. The Scientologists were trying to take some of the focus off Tom Cruise's insanity. They approached Hayes and told him he'd be like, L. Ron's right hand man if he could distract people from Tom's antics, as they were giving Scientology a bad name. In the words of the Jehovah's Witnesses, they didn't want people to be "stumbled" by Cruise, turning them off from the religion. Which I can TOTALLY see. Sometimes the actions of one man can ruin the salvation of many souls, y'know? So Hayes was sent in to rock the boat a bit and shake things up, not to be redundant and repeat myself. But that's just a theory, if you like it, you can take it, if not, send it right back. It also coulda been a ploy to get more money in his contract or even a publicity stunt for South Park to drum up some viewers, their ratings aren't as stellar as they used to be. Who knows...

Whatever the reason may be, I can't say the loss of Chef will be felt, if noticed at all. Please, knowing Matt and Trey, they'll write an entire episode about the fiasco and kill Chef off. Or even say he took some sort of potion that changed his sexy, deep voice to that of a dorky black guy that sounds white (**ahem** not that I'm plugging him or anything, but I'd look into getting Cedric Yarbrough, he'd be perfect). However they decide to flip it, I don't doubt it'll be as funny and clever as the Terry Shiavo mock-up they did with Kenny. And wherever Isaac Hayes ends up, I'm sure people will have the overpowering urge to kick him for his stupidity, right in his chocolate salty balls.