Intricacies of Intimacy
We all know that I am an open book, it's one of the things many love about me. What's weird about being an open book is the things you tend to cling to and keep to yourself. It's like I'm so "out there" that it gives people the false sense that they truly know me. Which I now think is wrong. I noticed that when every question that was asked of me by my new friend had a story to go with it.
So now there's a false sense of closeness when there are so many more layers to who I am. Yeah, I can answer a question with no problem, but no one truly understands the depths of my issues. I have intimacy issues, body issues, anger issues, you name it. Like, yeah, I can tell you that my mother died but you have NO CLUE that some months I get deeply depressed to the point of thinking I need medication. Yeah I'm social but only because it keeps me from staying in my bed, watching DVR'd shows and sleeping my life away. Yeah, I can cook, but no one understands why a bad pot of rice makes me sad and why I throw food away that's unsuccessful.
I can tell a person I love them and truly mean it, but not want to share my life with them. All in all, I think I would be a disappointment to the person I end up with. It's true. Like, I don't doubt that I can cook and maintain a household, I doubt I can be emotionally available to them the way I should. Don't get me wrong, loving them wouldn't be the problem, it would be expressing that love. Like, holding hands or sharing those special moments.
Why the revelation? I don't know, it just came to mind. I was imagining the best dude for me to end up with and some words came to mind: patience, communication and understanding. I realized I'm still looking for that Pacey Witter, no matter how far I think I've come. I want a partner that's also my head. I want a man that challenges me, yet allows me to make my point anyway. I want a man that's going to take me, flaws and all, and work through them with me. I'm not perfect and I don't expect perfection, but we need to be able to talk about that imperfection and have a game plan.
I want a man that loves to be around me but knows when to give me my space. Though we may love the same things, it's also all right to go our separate ways. I want him to be my best friend but also foster the understanding that he kinda is the boss of me.
People think I'm sexy, but they have no clue that it's just not how I see myself. Now I don't think I'm ugly or anything like that, I just think I'm fat and that my role in life to be the fat friend. I'm not unhappy about it at all, I'm just resolved to it. I think I have an amazing personality but that's about as far as it goes. Maybe it's just the guys I'm attracted to are attracted to hotter, thinner girls that can't hold a candle to me. Dude, if this were dating in the dark, I'd be the BEST.
That being said, I can't tell you how long it's been since I've been intimate with someone, to my chagrin. And it's not for lack of trying, trust me on THAT. I honestly don't think I even REMEMBER how to have sex, much less good sex. Just sayin'. Cuz I was kinda great, just outta practice.
I'm nuts, I get it, but that doesn't make me unlovable. It's spring and I think I'm just ready for some love and this swimming around in my head wasn't helping. I'm an open book, and these are today's thoughts on my intricacies of intimacy.
So now there's a false sense of closeness when there are so many more layers to who I am. Yeah, I can answer a question with no problem, but no one truly understands the depths of my issues. I have intimacy issues, body issues, anger issues, you name it. Like, yeah, I can tell you that my mother died but you have NO CLUE that some months I get deeply depressed to the point of thinking I need medication. Yeah I'm social but only because it keeps me from staying in my bed, watching DVR'd shows and sleeping my life away. Yeah, I can cook, but no one understands why a bad pot of rice makes me sad and why I throw food away that's unsuccessful.
I can tell a person I love them and truly mean it, but not want to share my life with them. All in all, I think I would be a disappointment to the person I end up with. It's true. Like, I don't doubt that I can cook and maintain a household, I doubt I can be emotionally available to them the way I should. Don't get me wrong, loving them wouldn't be the problem, it would be expressing that love. Like, holding hands or sharing those special moments.
Why the revelation? I don't know, it just came to mind. I was imagining the best dude for me to end up with and some words came to mind: patience, communication and understanding. I realized I'm still looking for that Pacey Witter, no matter how far I think I've come. I want a partner that's also my head. I want a man that challenges me, yet allows me to make my point anyway. I want a man that's going to take me, flaws and all, and work through them with me. I'm not perfect and I don't expect perfection, but we need to be able to talk about that imperfection and have a game plan.
I want a man that loves to be around me but knows when to give me my space. Though we may love the same things, it's also all right to go our separate ways. I want him to be my best friend but also foster the understanding that he kinda is the boss of me.
People think I'm sexy, but they have no clue that it's just not how I see myself. Now I don't think I'm ugly or anything like that, I just think I'm fat and that my role in life to be the fat friend. I'm not unhappy about it at all, I'm just resolved to it. I think I have an amazing personality but that's about as far as it goes. Maybe it's just the guys I'm attracted to are attracted to hotter, thinner girls that can't hold a candle to me. Dude, if this were dating in the dark, I'd be the BEST.
That being said, I can't tell you how long it's been since I've been intimate with someone, to my chagrin. And it's not for lack of trying, trust me on THAT. I honestly don't think I even REMEMBER how to have sex, much less good sex. Just sayin'. Cuz I was kinda great, just outta practice.
I'm nuts, I get it, but that doesn't make me unlovable. It's spring and I think I'm just ready for some love and this swimming around in my head wasn't helping. I'm an open book, and these are today's thoughts on my intricacies of intimacy.
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