Laugh Whore and the Sleazy Cable Guy
Occasionally, I like to read the personals on Craigslist, eat some popcorn and laugh my ass off. While at work. For those of you that have never done it, I suggest you try, it's HIGHLY entertaining. There's the guy who just wants to please a woman, the guy looking for a revenge screw and of course, the one who's only gonna be in town a few days and wants someone pretty on his arm to take out and spoil, with a twist of the swirl, of course. So I'm reading these ads, going through my usual myriad of emotions -- jaw dropping shock, smirking cynicism, eye-tearing amusement and eye rolling anger -- when BAM! an epiphany. I have no right to laugh at these losers for posting their ads because I'm reading them. It was a short lived epiphany, but one nonetheless. I still think the ads are hilarious and though I may be passing over someone I may really click with, I don't wanna be the one to tell our kids I answered Daddy's personal ad and we've been in love ever since.
Tonight's the season finale of 24 and cable's comin' to set me up JUST in time for it!! The Goddess is having a season finale viewing party but I broke up with her so I won't be attending. So on to Sleazy Cable Guy.
My friend Valerie and I were walking into my apartment when a lascivious looking man wearing a Comcast shirt asks me if I had cable. I told him I didn't because it hadn't been transferred yet. He apparently didn't hear me and told me that he would give me services TODAY for $40. If I wanted internet, it would be $150. All that sounded fine and dandy, but the man was fellatiating his water bottle like a crackhead trying to please his dealer and it creeped me out. He went through this whole story about how his daughter was going to Harvard and it cost $80,000 a year, how he was a hustler and bl-bl-bluh. I wasn't hearing it, I knew it was only about $50K to attend Harvard. Then, still sucking on the Dasani bottle for dear life, he looked at me and said, "I already know your answer is no." WRONG MOVE.
I told him that that was a bad salesman tactic and that I was mulling over my finances, so he read me wrong. I told him he took consideration for rejection which was a bad hustler move and a sign of a drug problem and piggybacked it with a "thank you, have a nice day, buh-bye now" and slammed the door in his face. To my ultimate satisfaction, he stood flabbergasted staring at the door for a moment then walked away mumbling to himself, "Bad hustler move?" His world was shattered and I loved every second of it.
Valerie told me that I was what she liked to call "politely disrespectful," and she's right. I will quickly deliver a sharp quip with a smile, knocking my opponent off-balance. My tongue is a dagger dipped in honey. The things I do are for my own enjoyment, a reaction is just icing on the cake. So long as I amuse myself, the other party's not my concern. Anyway, the guy creeped me out, and even if I WAS considering his offer, he had very poor delivery.
I think I'm gonna report him. Shame on he who scorns the likes of me...
Tonight's the season finale of 24 and cable's comin' to set me up JUST in time for it!! The Goddess is having a season finale viewing party but I broke up with her so I won't be attending. So on to Sleazy Cable Guy.
My friend Valerie and I were walking into my apartment when a lascivious looking man wearing a Comcast shirt asks me if I had cable. I told him I didn't because it hadn't been transferred yet. He apparently didn't hear me and told me that he would give me services TODAY for $40. If I wanted internet, it would be $150. All that sounded fine and dandy, but the man was fellatiating his water bottle like a crackhead trying to please his dealer and it creeped me out. He went through this whole story about how his daughter was going to Harvard and it cost $80,000 a year, how he was a hustler and bl-bl-bluh. I wasn't hearing it, I knew it was only about $50K to attend Harvard. Then, still sucking on the Dasani bottle for dear life, he looked at me and said, "I already know your answer is no." WRONG MOVE.
I told him that that was a bad salesman tactic and that I was mulling over my finances, so he read me wrong. I told him he took consideration for rejection which was a bad hustler move and a sign of a drug problem and piggybacked it with a "thank you, have a nice day, buh-bye now" and slammed the door in his face. To my ultimate satisfaction, he stood flabbergasted staring at the door for a moment then walked away mumbling to himself, "Bad hustler move?" His world was shattered and I loved every second of it.
Valerie told me that I was what she liked to call "politely disrespectful," and she's right. I will quickly deliver a sharp quip with a smile, knocking my opponent off-balance. My tongue is a dagger dipped in honey. The things I do are for my own enjoyment, a reaction is just icing on the cake. So long as I amuse myself, the other party's not my concern. Anyway, the guy creeped me out, and even if I WAS considering his offer, he had very poor delivery.
I think I'm gonna report him. Shame on he who scorns the likes of me...
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