Free...
I'm happy today. I had a pretty long night last night, and I think it was supposed to happen that way.
I went to La'Keyia's to get my hair done after work. Now, when you go to family, something that should only take an hour or so turns into an entire day. So, of course, we did like 10 million things before getting down to business. I baked her a cake (she said if I really loved her, I'd do it), we watched 106 & Park (which I hated every second of, had Corey not mentioned himself, Memphis Bleek and Jay Z, I wouldn't have watched) and went to look at houses. Long story short, I was home around 11:30 p.m., WAY past my bedtime.
Knowing how late it was and how tired I was, for some reason I signed onto AIM. I was gonna put up my sleep away message when I saw that Corey, the birthday boy, was on. So, I immed him. Now let me explain Corey as best I can. He's one of my brother's very talented, very intelligent and creative friends. They met in high school and I apparently knew none the wiser. Never met the kid. We started talking to each other through trying to help my brother hit the big time (VIZION!!). We never really talked outside of my brother. Then, we started chatting online. Corey's funny and can hold his own in the conversation department. And, he's my equal in verbal sparring (he wins more often than I let him know, though).
Anyway, Corey and I have pretty lively conversations, two strong personalities that sometimes have a meeting of the minds. All in all, Corey entertains me. And he's not too bad on the eyes, either. So here's the thing: something switched, like last week. When it happened and how, I can't tell you, but I ended up with like, a baby crush on him. Ehh', crush may be the wrong word. I like him, like, for real. And I haven't felt this way in a long time. And it's weird. And it pisses me off. And it scares me. But this isn't about that, this is about last night...
So we were chatting away when I told him about my revelation for the day (I have revelations, like, everyday, and I'm no better off for them!). The revelation was, that I am scared of intimacy. Like, being that open and giving of yourself, without reservation. Not having the control, was the conclusion I came to, which is why this surgery Friday scares the hell outta me. But yeah, back to the story. Now normally, I'd've told Wendy or Martini about the revelation, but I told Corey. So I had to figure out why. Then it hit me that I liked the boy, and I told him that because I was, duh, in essence, being intimate. I think. It's been so long.
Corey's a smart kid. He was saying a lot of things I knew, but was very clear about it. He has a good grasp on relationships, why he's not in one, I don't know. But whatever, moving on...
I then sent Corey a thank you email (cuz I'm wack) and told him I would date him, if only he weren't my brother's friend. See, the thing with being "in touch with your feelings" is that they change. And since I am the way that I am, I couldn't take the email back (plus, there's no "unsend" option, dammit). After hitting "send," I of course realize how much I actually like Corey and that I'm just being difficult cuz I'm scared I'm gonna get hurt. Now, this is the point.
I now understand how scarred I was from my nonsense with Fabrice. He took that from me, intimacy. Made me scared to share any part of my true self by making me think giving "all of me" was unnattractive. Now, I've BEEN over Fabrice, but I never dealt with what actually HAPPENED to me. So, as I was chatting with Corey, I shed like, 3 tears and was able to smile. Now, I'm free, and I am SO happy and ready to start healing. Free from all of it, and I can finally let go...
So, this is for Corey, thank you, cuz now I know men like you exist in the world. I'm free.
With that, I'm quitting my job.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Aint' no feelin' like bein' free!
When my mind's made up and my heart is in the right place, yeah.
Ain't no feelin' like bein' free!
When you've done all you could, but was misunderstood.
It's all good, it's all good.
Ain't no feelin' like bein' free!
I'm like an eagle set free, finally, I'm lookin' out for me...
"Free"
Destiny's Child
---------------------------------------------------------------
NEVAEH JEANS
MORE THAN CLOTHES,
A WAY OF LIFE (or something like that, I have A.D.D., I don't remember, I heard it ONCE)
I went to La'Keyia's to get my hair done after work. Now, when you go to family, something that should only take an hour or so turns into an entire day. So, of course, we did like 10 million things before getting down to business. I baked her a cake (she said if I really loved her, I'd do it), we watched 106 & Park (which I hated every second of, had Corey not mentioned himself, Memphis Bleek and Jay Z, I wouldn't have watched) and went to look at houses. Long story short, I was home around 11:30 p.m., WAY past my bedtime.
Knowing how late it was and how tired I was, for some reason I signed onto AIM. I was gonna put up my sleep away message when I saw that Corey, the birthday boy, was on. So, I immed him. Now let me explain Corey as best I can. He's one of my brother's very talented, very intelligent and creative friends. They met in high school and I apparently knew none the wiser. Never met the kid. We started talking to each other through trying to help my brother hit the big time (VIZION!!). We never really talked outside of my brother. Then, we started chatting online. Corey's funny and can hold his own in the conversation department. And, he's my equal in verbal sparring (he wins more often than I let him know, though).
Anyway, Corey and I have pretty lively conversations, two strong personalities that sometimes have a meeting of the minds. All in all, Corey entertains me. And he's not too bad on the eyes, either. So here's the thing: something switched, like last week. When it happened and how, I can't tell you, but I ended up with like, a baby crush on him. Ehh', crush may be the wrong word. I like him, like, for real. And I haven't felt this way in a long time. And it's weird. And it pisses me off. And it scares me. But this isn't about that, this is about last night...
So we were chatting away when I told him about my revelation for the day (I have revelations, like, everyday, and I'm no better off for them!). The revelation was, that I am scared of intimacy. Like, being that open and giving of yourself, without reservation. Not having the control, was the conclusion I came to, which is why this surgery Friday scares the hell outta me. But yeah, back to the story. Now normally, I'd've told Wendy or Martini about the revelation, but I told Corey. So I had to figure out why. Then it hit me that I liked the boy, and I told him that because I was, duh, in essence, being intimate. I think. It's been so long.
Corey's a smart kid. He was saying a lot of things I knew, but was very clear about it. He has a good grasp on relationships, why he's not in one, I don't know. But whatever, moving on...
I then sent Corey a thank you email (cuz I'm wack) and told him I would date him, if only he weren't my brother's friend. See, the thing with being "in touch with your feelings" is that they change. And since I am the way that I am, I couldn't take the email back (plus, there's no "unsend" option, dammit). After hitting "send," I of course realize how much I actually like Corey and that I'm just being difficult cuz I'm scared I'm gonna get hurt. Now, this is the point.
I now understand how scarred I was from my nonsense with Fabrice. He took that from me, intimacy. Made me scared to share any part of my true self by making me think giving "all of me" was unnattractive. Now, I've BEEN over Fabrice, but I never dealt with what actually HAPPENED to me. So, as I was chatting with Corey, I shed like, 3 tears and was able to smile. Now, I'm free, and I am SO happy and ready to start healing. Free from all of it, and I can finally let go...
So, this is for Corey, thank you, cuz now I know men like you exist in the world. I'm free.
With that, I'm quitting my job.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Aint' no feelin' like bein' free!
When my mind's made up and my heart is in the right place, yeah.
Ain't no feelin' like bein' free!
When you've done all you could, but was misunderstood.
It's all good, it's all good.
Ain't no feelin' like bein' free!
I'm like an eagle set free, finally, I'm lookin' out for me...
"Free"
Destiny's Child
---------------------------------------------------------------
NEVAEH JEANS
MORE THAN CLOTHES,
A WAY OF LIFE (or something like that, I have A.D.D., I don't remember, I heard it ONCE)
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