Capable...
Since writing my last blog where I said I’d talk about Corey in-depth, I've thought of nothing else. So, as promised, I plan to talk about Corey in this blog. And I’m gonna be real, raw and uncut, so expect a myriad of emotions to come through.
Corey, I like him. Well, actually, more than like, but that’s all I’m gonna own up to. Like, he could’ve been hubby buh. And that’s big. Everyone I talked to about him (Wendy, Veronica and Ricardo, to be exact) all said they’d never heard me talk that way before. Not even with Fabrice. And I’ll give it to them, they were right. I was feeling Corey like nobody’s business. Aside from the issues with him being my brother’s friend, us being 1000 miles apart and of course him still living the college life, I was in a position to try and make it work. Was.
Now, when I’m down for you, I will ride or die til the end. I’m just like that, all or nothing. And Corey had me there. On the low, I told Wendy I’d move to NY if we really got serious and wanted to make it work. I mean, he was so different and enticing, I wanted things to jump off and stay that way. This was all coming from me, the chick who vowed never to fall into the trap again. And I was good the way I was, until I started talking to Corey. And don’t get me wrong, Corey was not my only source of male interaction, I was talking to a couple of guys when we first started conversing. There was Marc, Andre and Max. Shane, too, but we all know how that ended up. Anyways, it got to the point where I was talking to Corey everyday and just started to cut the others loose. Corey was more fun to talk to, anyway. I was counseling Marc and setting him up to get back with his ex, Andre was too damn old, but he helped me pass time, and Max was just...stuck in Rockland. So everyone got shut down but Corey.
Then I realized how close he was to being my equal. So much so that I became very attracted to him. Granted, we hadn’t seen each other (still haven't), but that’s the miracle of the internet, so I had a picture of him. And from that picture, I could tell he was a cutie. So cute that I REALLY became attracted to him, that much I told his black ass. From then on, I had a slight period of being nose wide open, I’m not even gonna bother lying. I mean, I thought about him before I went to sleep and first thing when I woke up in the morning. It was just a part of my day, talking to him. LOL, I laugh now at how open I actually was, cuz the boy had (has) no clue (Unless he’s been playin’ the role, of course)! I once even almost sent him an e-card just to say I was thinkin’ about him. Wow…
Anyways, that’s how I felt, not how I feel. See, I have this thing where I’m absolutely terrified of letting my real emotions to the surface. Anger’s not a problem, but sensitivity I don’t do, unless it’s with children. I love the kids! But I’m getting sidetracked. So I told Corey I liked him, and went about my business. We still talked like, everyday and things were chill. Then the battle between liking him and wanting to remain his friend began. And I lost it, a LOT. I would say the most assholish things just because. When I really wanted to just be a girl and say “Hey, I missed you,” I’d go off and wild out on his voicemail. Then apologize the next day. It was like, every time I wanted to pull myself away and call it a wrap, I’d talk to him for like, 10 minutes and be RIGHT back where I was when I was really sweatin’ him. And it makes me SO angry cuz it’s not like he said anything so mind blowing that I just HAD to deal with him. He was just him and I could be me and it was awesome. I mean, it IS awesome, we do still talk and I consider him a friend.
I don’t know, dammit. I just hate….feeling. It’s so gay. It’s old, but new, y’know? Like, the boy infuriates me but then makes me laugh in the next breath. He shocks me ALL THE TIME and not many can do that. I mean, the boy said he'd gladly sacrifice a boy scout (or two) for another Michael Jackson CD as good as Thriller. That was so serious, I couldn't talk for a few minutes. I liked that. I’ve had that before, but it’s been a long, long, time. He’s a challenge and I think that’s what I like, but I also know we’re not a formula for success. There are too many factors. Not to mention, this may all be one-sided and I’m just some crazy chick looking more into things than really exist. Whatever.
The reason for writing this is, of course, to get it out of my head. Cuz it doesn’t go anywhere. I haven’t really spoken to Corey in a couple of days, but it doesn’t make me think of him any less and I don’t think my feelings have changed. That kind of pisses me off, cuz we all know how I get down. I can forget you as soon as I decide that that’s what I wanna do. But apparently, not him. I mean, I’ve said I was done with Corey before, only to be on the phone with him later that night, telling him that very thing. I find myself calling him when I told myself I wasn’t. I answer his calls when I know I should ignore them and take my black ass to bed. I email him just to email. I find myself smiling for NO APPARENT reason at all. I write letters to him. I can’t get him out of my head. And I can’t say I don’t want him there, either. Therein lies my dilemma.
Tell Corey, put myself out there and (maybe) get SHUT DOWN (gotta be confident…somewhat). Or, just keep this all to myself, keep it movin’ and just deal with my emotions as they surface. The dilemma? I don’t know what I want. I mean, I know what I want, but I don’t want to want it if I think that he doesn’t want it. That’s it. All this makes it very difficult to sleep with him, either way. Cuz women today can’t separate sex from emotion and I’m usually the exception, but not in this case. I think if I didn’t talk to him as much, I probably could, but that’d have to be down the line, when I’m in town to visit or something. Damn it!
So there ya go. That’s the gist of how I feel about Corey. And I know he catches my blog on occasion, so I run the risk of him reading this, but we all know I’m gonna tell him anyway, cuz that’s just me. And I don’t care anymore, my pride’s goin’ out the window. At least I know I’m still capable of feeling like this…
Corey, I like him. Well, actually, more than like, but that’s all I’m gonna own up to. Like, he could’ve been hubby buh. And that’s big. Everyone I talked to about him (Wendy, Veronica and Ricardo, to be exact) all said they’d never heard me talk that way before. Not even with Fabrice. And I’ll give it to them, they were right. I was feeling Corey like nobody’s business. Aside from the issues with him being my brother’s friend, us being 1000 miles apart and of course him still living the college life, I was in a position to try and make it work. Was.
Now, when I’m down for you, I will ride or die til the end. I’m just like that, all or nothing. And Corey had me there. On the low, I told Wendy I’d move to NY if we really got serious and wanted to make it work. I mean, he was so different and enticing, I wanted things to jump off and stay that way. This was all coming from me, the chick who vowed never to fall into the trap again. And I was good the way I was, until I started talking to Corey. And don’t get me wrong, Corey was not my only source of male interaction, I was talking to a couple of guys when we first started conversing. There was Marc, Andre and Max. Shane, too, but we all know how that ended up. Anyways, it got to the point where I was talking to Corey everyday and just started to cut the others loose. Corey was more fun to talk to, anyway. I was counseling Marc and setting him up to get back with his ex, Andre was too damn old, but he helped me pass time, and Max was just...stuck in Rockland. So everyone got shut down but Corey.
Then I realized how close he was to being my equal. So much so that I became very attracted to him. Granted, we hadn’t seen each other (still haven't), but that’s the miracle of the internet, so I had a picture of him. And from that picture, I could tell he was a cutie. So cute that I REALLY became attracted to him, that much I told his black ass. From then on, I had a slight period of being nose wide open, I’m not even gonna bother lying. I mean, I thought about him before I went to sleep and first thing when I woke up in the morning. It was just a part of my day, talking to him. LOL, I laugh now at how open I actually was, cuz the boy had (has) no clue (Unless he’s been playin’ the role, of course)! I once even almost sent him an e-card just to say I was thinkin’ about him. Wow…
Anyways, that’s how I felt, not how I feel. See, I have this thing where I’m absolutely terrified of letting my real emotions to the surface. Anger’s not a problem, but sensitivity I don’t do, unless it’s with children. I love the kids! But I’m getting sidetracked. So I told Corey I liked him, and went about my business. We still talked like, everyday and things were chill. Then the battle between liking him and wanting to remain his friend began. And I lost it, a LOT. I would say the most assholish things just because. When I really wanted to just be a girl and say “Hey, I missed you,” I’d go off and wild out on his voicemail. Then apologize the next day. It was like, every time I wanted to pull myself away and call it a wrap, I’d talk to him for like, 10 minutes and be RIGHT back where I was when I was really sweatin’ him. And it makes me SO angry cuz it’s not like he said anything so mind blowing that I just HAD to deal with him. He was just him and I could be me and it was awesome. I mean, it IS awesome, we do still talk and I consider him a friend.
I don’t know, dammit. I just hate….feeling. It’s so gay. It’s old, but new, y’know? Like, the boy infuriates me but then makes me laugh in the next breath. He shocks me ALL THE TIME and not many can do that. I mean, the boy said he'd gladly sacrifice a boy scout (or two) for another Michael Jackson CD as good as Thriller. That was so serious, I couldn't talk for a few minutes. I liked that. I’ve had that before, but it’s been a long, long, time. He’s a challenge and I think that’s what I like, but I also know we’re not a formula for success. There are too many factors. Not to mention, this may all be one-sided and I’m just some crazy chick looking more into things than really exist. Whatever.
The reason for writing this is, of course, to get it out of my head. Cuz it doesn’t go anywhere. I haven’t really spoken to Corey in a couple of days, but it doesn’t make me think of him any less and I don’t think my feelings have changed. That kind of pisses me off, cuz we all know how I get down. I can forget you as soon as I decide that that’s what I wanna do. But apparently, not him. I mean, I’ve said I was done with Corey before, only to be on the phone with him later that night, telling him that very thing. I find myself calling him when I told myself I wasn’t. I answer his calls when I know I should ignore them and take my black ass to bed. I email him just to email. I find myself smiling for NO APPARENT reason at all. I write letters to him. I can’t get him out of my head. And I can’t say I don’t want him there, either. Therein lies my dilemma.
Tell Corey, put myself out there and (maybe) get SHUT DOWN (gotta be confident…somewhat). Or, just keep this all to myself, keep it movin’ and just deal with my emotions as they surface. The dilemma? I don’t know what I want. I mean, I know what I want, but I don’t want to want it if I think that he doesn’t want it. That’s it. All this makes it very difficult to sleep with him, either way. Cuz women today can’t separate sex from emotion and I’m usually the exception, but not in this case. I think if I didn’t talk to him as much, I probably could, but that’d have to be down the line, when I’m in town to visit or something. Damn it!
So there ya go. That’s the gist of how I feel about Corey. And I know he catches my blog on occasion, so I run the risk of him reading this, but we all know I’m gonna tell him anyway, cuz that’s just me. And I don’t care anymore, my pride’s goin’ out the window. At least I know I’m still capable of feeling like this…
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