How Do I?

How do I express myself? How do I explain to a man that I'm in love with him and he hasn't had to do a thing? That he consumes my every waking thought and most of my dreams? That I think of him and my mood is instantly lifted and a smile comes to my face? That I sometimes (most times) imagine how I'm gonna tell him how I feel and get the very reaction I've always dreamed of? Why is it that my very best friend can see things I don't and tell me to be nice, when I'm really not thinking about how I'm being at all. Why do I have to get cursed out to realize that this is the time to face my emotions? For someone who can so clearly and concisely get her thoughts down on paper, why is it so hard to verbalize the VERY same things? I ask again, how do I express myself?

How do I express to my brother that what he feels is simply infatuation and not full blown love? He doesn't understand that it's not love when you're the only one making moves. How do I explain my level of aggravation at his man-child behavior without wanting to punch him in his face? I speak and try to give him as clean-cut an example as possible and am met with the words "Love Hater" and "Mean Sister." I'm not a hater of love, hell, I'm IN LOVE. But how do I express that? Just because there's no one in my life, does that mean my opinion is automatically discounted? I may not be in a relationship, but I sure as hell can call a spade a spade.

To me, love is compromise and communication, not one partner constantly doting on the other and the other just takes, takes, takes. I had a relationship like that, and as Vivian Green says, "You should never give it all cuz sometimes there's nothin' left but bitterness and regret." I don't want my brother to face the same fate I did and I'm not necessarily saying he will. But ya gotta look at the circumstances. My brother has sent his girlfriend flowers (oh, I got flowers last week, a BEAUTIFUL arrangement, too, but I don't know from whom), sent her a love CD with a song just about her, sent her gifts and now he's going to see her. He's gonna ride a bus for 7 hours to see his girlfriend. A chick whose draws he hasn't had the chance to sniff, much less kiss her lips. But I digress. So he's done all this and she hasn't so much as sent him a damn e-card. Now don't get me wrong, relationships aren't a tit for tat deal, I know that, but damn, actions DO speak louder than words, if you know what I mean.

But again, I try to explain these things and make my brother see the light all to no avail. He told me that since I didn't have anybody, I didn't have to try and rain on what he's got going with his boo. Duly noted. I backed off then. I mean, I know love is blind, but I go back to my earlier points about love, what's so hard about keeping your head in the clouds and you're feet on the ground? I can be in love and not be stupid, I traveled that path once. So why's it so hard for others to see? My brother's 19 and I remember back when I was 19 and in love, no one could tell me anything. And I know I've got to respect that and let him get his heart broken in order for him to learn a lesson. And he may not get his heart broken, shorty may actually turn out to be the one and to that I say more power to him.

Who knows. I'm not desensitized to love, but I don't let it make me retarded, either. Maybe it's the years of being single that's given me the ability to take that step back or maybe it's just my caution and fear of another broken heart that makes me look at the whole picture, I don't know. Either way, I know I've got some things to work on and I'm gonna tear down these walls and begin to let some people in.

Which leads me to another question: how in the hell do I do THAT?!?

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