Self Preservation
Remember that scene in Love Actually, when Juliet barges into Mark's house to watch the video he made for her wedding and how the entire tape was of her and she was all in shock cuz she thought he couldn't stand her? And he's so embarrassed, he tells her he's got something to do and all but kicks her out of his apartment. And what does he say? "It's a dignity thing, self-preservation and all." I f'n LOVE the English! Just when you think no one understands, some brilliant writer comes along and sums up what you're feeling with one great line. But I digress, on to the point.
I lied to Corey. Well, I always lie to Corey, but this time I actually feel bad about it. I mean, I think it's only right that I did so, since I'm the one who has to live with it. See, my theory is, ask and I'll tell the truth. But you have to askme direct, which a lot don't seem to be able to do. That way, if you really want the answer, then you know you took the steps to find out. Not so clean cut when it comes to interpersonal relations. A lot of times people don't ask things becuase they don't wanna face the truth, leaving the other person to hold the burden. I know not everyone's like me, offering up their emotions on a silver paltter, so imagine what it must be like dealing with words unsaid. That sucks and I don't live my life like that, there's too damn much goin' on to be focused on the coulda shoulda wouldas. But again, I digress, on to the lie I told my dear friend.
I was talking to Corey when I came out the blue and asked him if he thought that one day he was gonna be talking to me and I was just not going to have any walls up, that I was just going to be open. I told him that he wasn't in that place in my life where he was allowed to get through and find out how I really felt. I told him he got what he gave. Total lie. Corey's in a place that honestly, no one else is or ever has been. He gets more than I care to give and I don't even put up a fight about it. I choose not to tell him that because I know nothing will come of it and I DO have some dignity, geez. And, that's not what men want, either. Let a guy know you like him and he'll be gone before you can say bye bye Mr. Fly. Please, I could go on and on and tell him how I can't stop thinking about him and miss hearing his voice and how I just...feel him. But will I? Absolutely NOT. I will not put myself out there and let him know that I am indeed nose wide open off his ass cuz I'll be the one dealing with "that's a real personal issue, you need to handle that." And it is personal, cuz I know for a FACT that those feelings are not reciprocated, so speaking any words unsaid is a waste of my breath and his time. Time that can be focused elsewhere. Plus, I don't want him taking advantage of me. If I do something for the boy, it's because I in fact choose to do it, not just cuz he asked. But that again, is not the point, this is a fundamental issue, Corey really has nothing to do with it.
So right after I hung up, I started to ask myself why I said that to him. I know the whole not wanting to get hurt thing is why I keep people at arms length, but why do I feel it necessary to verbalize it? I'm thinkin' one of the things he hates most about me is that fact that I am indeed so verbal, but I'm a lawyer at heart, I like things to be laid out. No hats, no helmets, just balls. Antoher thing Corey said to me was that I like drama, which kind of upset me. He was probably the 4th person in two days to say that to me. Not funny. My brother and his friend told me that neither one of them would date me because I was too strong and men wanted to date chicks they could run. Yeah, not me. But I will say that I'm quicker to bow down to someone I view as my equal. And, I do have respect for guys. Believe you me, if I date you, you've got my respect. You're my man, you're my king and I will NOT wild out unnecesarily. Anwyway, I don't like drama and try to live drama free. It finds me, though, and that's not my fault.
Whatever, I'm not a drama queen and if being up front makes me undateable, then I guess I really shouldn't have tossed my vibrator cuz there's apparently a few more lonely years on the horizon. But at least I can sleep (and dream) with my heart protected and intact and I've got my friends and family to surround me. Not to mention the great f'n sport I love to watch called football. I know it's only a few months, but that's what they created gyms for. This energy will get spent somewhere. I have no worries, my time shall soon come.
All right, enough lamenting, back to the game. I've still got football. Damn self preservation.
I lied to Corey. Well, I always lie to Corey, but this time I actually feel bad about it. I mean, I think it's only right that I did so, since I'm the one who has to live with it. See, my theory is, ask and I'll tell the truth. But you have to askme direct, which a lot don't seem to be able to do. That way, if you really want the answer, then you know you took the steps to find out. Not so clean cut when it comes to interpersonal relations. A lot of times people don't ask things becuase they don't wanna face the truth, leaving the other person to hold the burden. I know not everyone's like me, offering up their emotions on a silver paltter, so imagine what it must be like dealing with words unsaid. That sucks and I don't live my life like that, there's too damn much goin' on to be focused on the coulda shoulda wouldas. But again, I digress, on to the lie I told my dear friend.
I was talking to Corey when I came out the blue and asked him if he thought that one day he was gonna be talking to me and I was just not going to have any walls up, that I was just going to be open. I told him that he wasn't in that place in my life where he was allowed to get through and find out how I really felt. I told him he got what he gave. Total lie. Corey's in a place that honestly, no one else is or ever has been. He gets more than I care to give and I don't even put up a fight about it. I choose not to tell him that because I know nothing will come of it and I DO have some dignity, geez. And, that's not what men want, either. Let a guy know you like him and he'll be gone before you can say bye bye Mr. Fly. Please, I could go on and on and tell him how I can't stop thinking about him and miss hearing his voice and how I just...feel him. But will I? Absolutely NOT. I will not put myself out there and let him know that I am indeed nose wide open off his ass cuz I'll be the one dealing with "that's a real personal issue, you need to handle that." And it is personal, cuz I know for a FACT that those feelings are not reciprocated, so speaking any words unsaid is a waste of my breath and his time. Time that can be focused elsewhere. Plus, I don't want him taking advantage of me. If I do something for the boy, it's because I in fact choose to do it, not just cuz he asked. But that again, is not the point, this is a fundamental issue, Corey really has nothing to do with it.
So right after I hung up, I started to ask myself why I said that to him. I know the whole not wanting to get hurt thing is why I keep people at arms length, but why do I feel it necessary to verbalize it? I'm thinkin' one of the things he hates most about me is that fact that I am indeed so verbal, but I'm a lawyer at heart, I like things to be laid out. No hats, no helmets, just balls. Antoher thing Corey said to me was that I like drama, which kind of upset me. He was probably the 4th person in two days to say that to me. Not funny. My brother and his friend told me that neither one of them would date me because I was too strong and men wanted to date chicks they could run. Yeah, not me. But I will say that I'm quicker to bow down to someone I view as my equal. And, I do have respect for guys. Believe you me, if I date you, you've got my respect. You're my man, you're my king and I will NOT wild out unnecesarily. Anwyway, I don't like drama and try to live drama free. It finds me, though, and that's not my fault.
Whatever, I'm not a drama queen and if being up front makes me undateable, then I guess I really shouldn't have tossed my vibrator cuz there's apparently a few more lonely years on the horizon. But at least I can sleep (and dream) with my heart protected and intact and I've got my friends and family to surround me. Not to mention the great f'n sport I love to watch called football. I know it's only a few months, but that's what they created gyms for. This energy will get spent somewhere. I have no worries, my time shall soon come.
All right, enough lamenting, back to the game. I've still got football. Damn self preservation.
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